OK, here is my crap code. \:\)

 Code:
function a($)
   dim $s, $t[9], $o[9], $d[9], $w[2], $f, $r, $l, $n
   $o = "zero","one","two","three","four","five","six","seven","eight","nine"
   $d = $ten","eleven","twelve","thirteen","fourteen","fifteen","sixteen","seventeen","eighteen","nineteen"
   $t = "","","twenty","thirty","forty","fifty","sixty","seventy","eighty","ninety"
   $a = ""
   if $ + 0 = $
      select
         case $ < 10
            $w = "","",$o[$]
         case $ < 20
            $w = "","",$d[$ - 10]
         case 1
            $r = $ mod 10
            $f = int($ / 10)
            $w = $t[$f],"-",iif($r = 0,"",$o[$r])
      endselect
      while not($w[0] = "" and $w[2] = "four")
         $l = len($w[0]) + len($w[2])
         if $w[0] = ""
            if Ascan($d,$w[2]) < 0
               $n = Ascan($o,$w[2])
            else
               $n = Ascan($d,$w[2]) + 10
            endif
         else
            $n = Ascan($t,$w[0]) * 10 + iif($w[2]="",0,Ascan($o,$w[2]))
         endif
         $a = $a + $n + " is " + $l + ". "
         if $l < 10
            $w = "","",$o[$l]
         else
            $w = "","",$d[$l-10]
         endif
      loop
      $a = $a + "4 is magic."
   else
      if Instr($,"-")
         $s="-"
         $w = split($,$s)
      else
         if Instr($," ")
            $s=" "
            $w = split($,$s)
         else
            $s=""
            $w = $s,$
         endif
      endif
      redim preserve $w[2]
      $w[2]=$w[1]
      $w[1]=$s
      while not($w[0] = "" and $w[2] = "four")
         $l = len($w[0]) + len($w[2])
         if $l < 10
            $n = $o[$l]
         else
            $n = $d[$l-10]
         endif
         $a = $a + join($w,"") + " is " + $n + ". "
         if $l < 10
            $w = "","",$o[$l]
         else
            $w = "","",$d[$l-10]
         endif
      loop
      $a = $a + "four is magic."
   endif
endfunction