It's weird that it is EVERY Server 2008 box, though. These UDFs were functioning in my environment prior to upgrading to Server 2012, so I can't test 2008 anymore internally.

The systems that are failing are failing consistently only on 2K8, and are distributed between at least 20 different companies. If it were just some hosts, or hosts at just one or two clients, I'd think platform.

The CheckSum UDF turned out to have a DotNet dependency on 3.5. It doesn't work on 2012 platforms that only have DotNet 4.x (which is odd itself, as it should be backward compatible).
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Actually I am a Rocket Scientist! \:D